Plan B: What to do now that you are a zombie, by Jack Asher

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Well it finally happened, you screwed up.  That’s all your life has ever been, one big screw up, punctuated by smaller screw ups.  You got bit, and joined the mass of shuffling undead.  Because there are zombies now.

But it’s okay.  You can turn this around.  Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you can’t get your act together.  Your unlife begins today!  Just follow these simple rules and you’re gonna get ahead.  Which is good, because they taste fantastic.

Lead from the middle

Headshots; avoid them.  In a crowd of zombies, such as you will find yourself a part, all of the shooting is going to happen above the neck area.  A bullet to the lung is no longer the inconvenience it once was.  No, the shooters are interested in destroying your brain which is kind of rude.

It’s a matter of just a couple inches; so find some basketball types to get behind.  When they go down, get low too, getting your brain case out of the view of a shooter is always a good thing.  And ankles are as tasty as eyebrows.

On the other hand last to the party doesn’t get cake.  Remember cake?  It’s good, free, office cake.  The best, unless you were late and got none.  Being in a zombie horde is like working in an office, or is it the other way around?  Either way you don’t want to be the last one to the face-cake.

You want to hang out while the meat wastes it’s ammo, then you at the head of the line.

Football zombieLatch onto the crazy ones

Maybe you were an entitled jerk who used the apocalypse to be a bigger jerk?  Or you hid a non-fatal bite so you could last a little longer.  But that only helps you if you turn in the worst way.  In the middle of a group of lunch.

Maybe you were loved by someone BD (before death).  Maybe a lot of people?  Hopefully one of them was about a half a bubble off plumb.  If so, you’ve hit the gravy train.  They might not be able to bring themselves to kill you, so that’s one dinner solved at least.

If you’ve hit the lottery of death, they might even bring you food.

If so you can still spot the insane ones.  The lunatics will be talking about how “they” are the real monsters.  Or that this is the end.  Of course it’s the end, but it comes at different times to different people.

Crazy is where mistakes get made.  Where they make stupid decisions and come up with stupid ideas.  Feeding their criminals to you might be an option.  Or letting you fight in pits.  Two men enter, one man leaves.  Then the other one leaves.

That kind of operation is the sweetest it gets.  So when they come to round you up don’t shuffle off too fast.  “Look for hooks, run from guns”, will be our motto.  Even if we have to moan it unintelligibly.

Eat the whole thing

The first tasty bite of flesh goes a long way to satisfying your insatiable hunger, but a new problem has arisen.  Your snack is about to become another zombie, and that means more goddamn mouths to feed.  Best to finish it while you can. Do your best not to sever any important arteries.  The benefit of keeping the person alive while you eat is that their inevitable undeath is postponed long enough for you to chow down.  We need our food to be alive, you don’t see zombies eating each other.  That would be cannibalism, and even undead monster’s have their humanity.

And work your way to the throat as fast as you can.  Humans use this to have other humans come shoot you.  If they can’t scream you don’t die.

Good things come to those who wait

Oh crap!  They got away after only one bite? Stick around as long as you can without getting your thought-box breached.  An altruistic human will use the opportunity to sacrifice themselves for the greater good, while a less more jerk-like human (that is, pretty much every human) will hide the bite.

A sacrificer will wander off to die in piece, follow him at a clever distance and save them the trouble of a bullet.

The jerk is a time bomb.  He’ll get away for a bit, but the destruction he causes when he turns will be delicious.  Then you can sop up the pieces.

You are not the bad guy

Zombies are not the first enemy of the remaining people.  No, the first enemy of the remaining people is the other remaining people.  At first it starts slow.  They work together, they plan, and a lot of us get hit in the face with bullets.  This is the best time to be off in the distance moaning.

But then it starts to go wrong.  You can hear the shouting over the gunshots.  Maybe one of them starts to steal food.  Maybe one of them has sex with the wrong person.  Or the right person, who are we to judge?  Fucking zombies, that’s who.

Maybe one of them goes crazy.  After all, the apocalypse is happening, it’s really the best time to go crazy, and this takes a toll.

Things are going to unravel fast for the humans, and you can plop down and enjoy a nice banquet of stupid person as long as you have a little time on your hands.  Let’s face it, it’s pretty much all you got. You don’t even have hands.

Walk off into the sunset

Once you’ve exhausted the local food supply in the cities you’re going to have to get transient.  The survivors are going to get moving, finding new places to hole up.  Unless they’re smart and get some bicycles.  But until that time you’ll have lots of raw meat standing around behind flimsy barriers, arguing and killing each other.  And once you’re done with them it’s time to move on to the next.

There’s more to staying upright than this of course.  But if you follow these rules you can keep shambling along forever.  Or until your feet rot off, whichever.

@JackAsherWizard

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